Before you write, answer four questions
- What did it feel like to be around them?
- What is one story that only you could tell?
- What did they say all the time?
- What did they teach you without meaning to?
Answer those out loud into your phone. Do not type. Speech sounds like a person, typing sounds like a form. Then write down what you said.
The five part structure
1. Who you are, in one line
"I'm Dana. Ray was my uncle, and for about ten years he was also my boss."
2. One story, told in detail
Pick one. Not a highlight reel. A specific afternoon with a place, a smell, and something they said. Specifics are what make a room laugh and cry at the same time.
3. Who they were, shown not stated
Instead of "he was generous," say "he kept twenty dollar bills folded in his shirt pocket for anyone who looked like they needed one." Show the proof and let people conclude it.
4. What they left behind
A habit you copied. A recipe. The way you answer the phone. The people in the room who are here because of them.
5. A short goodbye
Two sentences. Speak to them directly if you want. "Thanks for the twenty bucks, Ray. I'm still keeping one in my pocket."
A fill in the blank opening
"I'm [name], and [person] was my [relationship]. If you knew them, you know [one small true thing]. The story I keep coming back to is [time and place]..."
What to leave out
- The medical details of how they died.
- Old family fights, money, or wills.
- Anything you are still angry about. That belongs in a journal, not a microphone.
- A list of jobs and dates. That is an obituary, not a eulogy.
- Inside jokes that only three people understand.
Getting through the reading
- Print it. Big type. Double spaced. Phones die and screens lock.
- Read it out loud twice, and cry through it at home so you have already done it once.
- Mark two places to pause and breathe.
- Put water on the podium.
- Hand a copy to someone in the front row who can finish if you cannot.
- Look up at one kind face, not the whole room.
If you are honoring them beyond the funeral
A eulogy happens once. Most people spend the following year wishing they could still hear the person say something back.
Missedyu is a private memorial built from what someone left behind, their photos, their messages, their voice. If you are pulling old voicemails and screenshots together for the service anyway, keep them. Those files are the hardest thing to replace later.
Common questions
How long should a eulogy be?
Three to five minutes, which is about 500 to 800 words. Anything longer and the room starts to drift, no matter how much you loved them.
How do you start a eulogy?
Say who you are and how you knew them, then go straight into one specific story. Do not open with a dictionary definition or a long thank you list.
What should you not say in a eulogy?
Skip family conflict, money, the details of how they died, inside jokes nobody else gets, and anything you would not say in front of their kids.
What if I cry while giving a eulogy?
You probably will and it is fine. Pause, breathe, take a sip of water, and keep going. Print it in 16 point type and give a copy to someone in the front row who can finish for you.
Say it once at the funeral. Keep them close after.
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